What I was Going To Tell YOU…

12 Oct

It has been so long since I have posted and so many things have been going on that I am almost too overwhelmed to do this. I guess this is my editors note to you all. My warning so to speak that this post will be filled with lots of run on sentences and will skip around and will most likely be very long. So pour a cup of coffee and sit down and stay with me here if you dare.

Glad to see that I did not scare some of you away! LOL Anyway I was already to start telling you about meeting with Jay’s principle and how awesome he is and how I left the room almost dancing but didn’t dare because well you know I had the principle there watching me and all. I left the meeting and immediately typed this status update to my Facebook peeps:

So how awesome is this… Met with Jay’s middle school principal today about the possibility of the school helping us raise money for the Autism Speaks Walk. Not only was the man full of wonderful ideas and willing to help… he said to me, “What I would really like though is for Jay to meet with me and tell me why he wants to raise money. You know advocate for himself. That is of course if you think it would not be too much stress on him. But I would really like him to do it because I think it would be good for him!” OMG Where do I begin with how awesome that is? The fact that this man cares about my boy like that? AWESOME!!!!

Awesome indeed. I don’t think this man has a clue as to how much him saying he wanted Jay to come in and talk to him meant to me. I say all the time the one thing, the real reason that I write this blog and talk about autism to anyone who will listen and to those who are not so willing to listen but have the misfortune of being trapped in a room with me, that all I really want is for people to really SEE my boy. To SEE HIM, not a diagnosis or label… but HIM! By this man saying what he said it showed me how not only does he SEE my Jay, he wants to TALK with him and more importantly LISTEN to him and well that is just too huge for words!

I was then going to tell you how that meeting lead to another meeting with a business owner whom has a heart of gold. A man who in a whim I reached out to and who not only reached back, he threw me a lifesaver, jacket and rope. A gentleman who has never met my boy but is willing to not only help us, but to give up his own profits so that my Jay can reach his fundraising goals for the Autism Walk.  As I listened to this man talk passionately about how much he wanted to help, I had to fight back tears because you know I was supposed to be  all business like and all but I could not help it because what I really am is just a mom trying to do whatever she can for her kids.

Then I was going to tell you about how after the meeting I came home and got busy making flyers and trying to put together stuff and well I forgot all about making dinner and how my awesome husband was  like, “no biggie we will just go out.” And how Jay whom does not like unexpected last-minute changes, especially when it comes to food, was like, “Sure let’s go!”. So we went to Red Robin (YUMMMMM) and were eating our juicy hamburgers when all the sudden the entire place busted into cheers because the local baseball team did something well I guess basebally and everyone was happy and shouting and how my husband and I immediately  with panic on our faces turned towards Jay to see how he was going to react to the loud sudden noise and how he just shrugged his shoulders and kept eating his juicy burger.

Then I was going to tell you about how when we got home and I was taking out the kids clothes for the next day, something we do to save time in the morning, I realized that not only did I forget to make dinner, I forgot to wash the clothes and how now Jay did not have any clean pants with elastic waist bands and only had a pair of jeans and khakis hanging in his closest. I was then going to tell you how in a moment of forgetfulness I took out the jeans thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal and how Jay freaked out because he had PE the next day and was worried about how he was going to change because you see even though he is 11 and in middle school buttons and snaps can still be an issue. I was going to tell how in the middle of doing laundry at 11pm after an hour of trying to calm my boy down how much I hated AUTISM and how once again that feeling of HATING AUTISM left me feeling guilty because I know that is part of who my boy is but I could not help it.

And then I was going to tell you about how my boy innocently said to me as I apologized about not remembering to do his pants, “Sometimes I think you care  more about the other kids with autism then the one Aspie you have at home. ” and how this comment which I know he did not say maliciously cut me to the core. And then after he saw that he had accidentally hurt me how he got angry with himself and well that made me feel worse but of course I did not let him know it because well… you know I was trying to calm him down.

And lastly I was going to tell you about the breakfast conversation with my daughter this morning. About how hard it was to find the right words. You see there is a little boy in second grade at Grace’s school who has Cancer and is very ill. Many families have joined behind this boy’s family to help raise money just to cover all the co payments of treatments and such and to help them out. We were talking about this little boy when Grace asked me about Tucker. Ever since Grace interviewed  a diary of a mom Jess’ daughter Katie for Grace’s new online magazine well she has been following along. You see Katie did a fundraiser for Tucker.

Tucker passed away earlier this week. The news devastated me. Honestly it broke my heart. I had never met this boy but his story and his courage and his strength well it moved me in ways I cannot begin to explain. I ached for this boys family and pray to God that I never know the pain they must be feeling. I had not told my Grace because well… I just did not have the words to do so. But there it was, she had asked me how Tucker was doing. And so I told her. But as I was telling her my phone beeped letting me know I had a new message. Usually I do not check my messages until after the kids are at school, but for some reason I checked. It was letting me know that Jess had a new post on her blog. The name of the post grabbed my attention so I clicked on it! I got goose bumps when I read it and saw the picture. Click HERE and you will see what I mean. I showed my Grace the picture and without me saying anything she said, “MAMA that is Tucker. That shooting star was Tucker wasn’t mama?”  And with tears in my eyes I said yes. And the words that had been lost for several days suddenly came and we sat at the table and talked about how yes sometimes Bad things happen to Good people. We talked about how important it is to be kind to each other and make every day count. We talked about being bucket fillers instead of dumpers. And then we danced. I put on the music as loud as it would go and we danced in the kitchen. Because you see she needed to know, I NEEDED TO REMEMBER, that life goes on.

We laugh, We cry, We hurt, We Love and yes bad things do happen to Good People… but then you get a text and you read a special post and see a special picture and you cannot help but think perhaps, just perhaps there was something bigger that brought that picture to you and helped give you the words back at that time! And then you dance to music in your kitchen because life does go on!

These are things I was going to tell you…

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2 Responses to “What I was Going To Tell YOU…”

  1. katie October 12, 2012 at 1:42 pm #

    And your words couldn’t be truer. As tears run down my face, I am thankful for all of the blessing in my life. I am thankful that a family as wonderful as your,s has taken time out to think of our dear sweet friend in the midst of his own battle with cancer. We too choose to dance and sing at the top of our lungs!

  2. Emma October 12, 2012 at 2:05 pm #

    Yep…. I’m a bumbling wreck after reading your latest words! Life throws spanners into the works all the time, but we can’t waste our precious lives weeping over them (although a good cry does help on occasion). Dust ourselves down, hold our heads high and DANCE! xx

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