5:45am and I wake up because I have that feeling that someone is watching me. I open one eye and there in front of me is my boy, tears quietly sliding down his cheeks. I sit up, suddenly wide awake. “What’s Wrong?” I say and open up my covers to let him in. He curls his not so little body around mine and buries his head into my side. “I had a bad dream” he sniffs. This is huge, the fact that my boy has reached out to me, has been able figure out what the problem is and express it in words and not just screams or fits of anger… HUGE. I encourage him to tell me what the dream was about, “They say if you tell someone about your bad dream, you won’t have it any more. SO please why don’t you tell me.” My boy wipes his eyes and sits up and begins to retell his dream in the vivid and dramatic way that only he can. It takes all my will power to not smile at him. You see I am an autism mom and I know all to well how big a deal it is that I can have a conversation like this. I appreciate his words, his emotion, his cuddling next to me… is ability to express himself. But I do not dare smile, instead I shake my head and encourage him on.
The dream he tells me about shares even more with me. It once again proves just how deeply my boy feels. You see there were no monsters chasing him in his dream. No bad guys or tragic deaths. No he tells me about how in his dream our family has won the lotto. “We became GAZILLIONAIRES mom. I mean we had so much money that there was not even a name for what we were. We bought a huge house and each member of our family had their own floor with their own butlers and cooks. It was great at first, but then it wasn’t. You see mom we no longer saw one another. Everyone was on their own. Grace and I did not fight because we never saw one another. Mom you did not tuck me in at night or drive me to school or help me with my homework. Sure there were people there to help us, but they were not family. It was so scary mom. Promise me you will never ever play the lotto. I don’t want to be rich like that EVER!”
I say nothing because there is a lump in my throat. I am overwhelmed with love for this special boy and all that he is and for what he stands for. How did I get so lucky to have him in my life. Just when I get all consumed in things, boxes and boxes of things… this child curls up next to me and reminds me once again what matters.
I don’t love AUTISM, but I do appreciate how it has forced me to see the WHOLE picture. To not only accept things but appreciate them for what they are… or should I say for WHO they are!