I am nervous to write this post because I know my Jay sometimes comes on here and reads this and I certainly do not want him to take this the wrong way. So Jay if you are reading this… let me start off by saying:
“YOU MY DEAR BOY ARE PERFECT! EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS PERFECT! I am writing this post because I want others to know that I am just human… and sometimes even this mama feels things that well… are just that, human! I am not proud of feeling this way, but like I tell you, it is what it is. I can own up to feeling this way, share it with others so they know they are not alone, then well… move on! But please know this Jay (And Grace you too if you are reading this) I love you just the way you are. I would never ever change one thing about you! YOU MY DEAR SWEET CHILDREN ARE PERFECTLY DIFFERENT!”
I have been trying to figure out how to sum up and tell you about everything that has happened in the past week. The highs… I mean really really big highs and the lows that always seem to come along with them. The incredible HOPE and then the inevitable reality checks. I wanted to post every picture, share every story bring you up to date, but some how every time I sat down to write… I just could not do it.
Then I saw this post today from the incredible Jess Wilson from A Diary of a Mom. I have shared her blog with you before, it is one of my favorites. Jess has a way of saying what so many of us are feeling. It is a true gift and today, a much-needed present to me and now hopefully to you. You see this post, well this post sums up the past few days for me. The feeling of pride for my boy. The sense of pure joy at how far we have come when I watched him go up on stage (which in itself is a big feat when you think about how many people were in the gym and the amount of noise) and accept the Presidential Academic Award. Look at the pride on his face! Then later in the day I watched him walk back across the stage and receive his promotion certificate. He shook hands with the teachers just like all the other children, he laughed along with the other kids while they watched the video showing how much they all have grown since they started Kindergarten some 6 years ago. And then I held him in my arms as he broke down because the noise, the excitement of the day, the sadness of the day and it all being over became just too much. Sure there were other sensitive kids with tears in their eyes, but not like my Jay. My sweet tender heart boy felt so much more.
The next day was the 5th grade carnival and while the rest of the kids ran from station to station I watched my boy walk sadly, trying to make every minute of his last day of elementary school last. In my heart I was so proud, my boy is able to appreciate the moment, the pure meaning behind it all. Yet in my head I could see how isolated he was from the other kids. I watched the boys whom I have had at my home time after time playing Nerf Battle and video games, pull away, so much more mature than my boy. It broke my heart to see him so alone, so different. And no matter how much I tried to not do it… I compared him to those boys.
I was not proud that I did this, the guilt I felt and still feel is overwhelming. I talk about living in a wold that will accept my boy for who he is and here I was comparing him, wishing at that moment that he was well… DIFFERENT! I hate that I even wrote that but I promised myself I would be honest here and that my dear friends is as honest as I can get.
I am so thankful that Jess wrote the post she did today so that I feel brave enough to write this one. The truth is I do this comparison she talks about more than I admit. I hate it… but well.. I am human. It sucks the joy out of HUGE achievements too. Yesterday the doctor said that Jay’s foot was healed enough that he could finally go in the pool. This was huge as our community pool has recently added this huge water slide and everyone in his class has been talking about it for a month now. Yesterday I watched my boy wait patiently (And yes once again that is a HUGE FEAT IN ITSELF) for his turn to go down the slide. He was so excited that he could not contain it and so of course he was flapping away, talking enthusiastically to everyone else in line. I watched the other boys his age look at one another confused by his reactions. They were not mean, they were polite and smiled at him nicely… but watching it was almost painful because well… it showed once again how different my boy is. So instead of just enjoying the moment, the pure joy on my boy’s face as he slid down the slide, I had bittersweet feelings.
I know in my heart that I am different from other moms… I am a special needs mom. I know in my heart that my boy is different too. And most days, most days that fact is more than fine. But some days, well some days it doesn’t feel so fine. And you know what it is okay to feel that way. But now it is time to move on!
Jess if by chance you are reading this… THANK YOU for once again writing what you wrote today so that I could admit this, so I confirm that others feel this way too and so that I can move on!