I have a confession…I am a results oriented person, and it sucks! There I said it! I have always been the go to person. If something needs to get done, go to Sharon and it will get done. I have always taken pride in this characteristic. But lately I am feeling like this trait is more of a hindrance than a plus.
I have no problem doing something. The problem is that I expect to see the results of what I do… immediately! I am all about tracking my progress. The final outcome, the gain, the praise. When the “That a girls” don’t come or the “Likes” are not registered or when the comments are not left, well I feel lost… like I failed, was not good enough, did something wrong. For a person who has the need to succeed at everything… this is devastating.And by doing this, I someone how lose track of what is really important, the real reason for doing what I originally set out to do.
I cannot begin to tell you how much time I have wasted obsessing over whether or not people are reading my blogs, or more likely whether or not they are liking what I am writing. This constant need to be liked is exhausting. Seriously… it literally is exhausting. I will sit at the computer into the wee hours of the night after writing what I think is a good blog or posting what I thought was a good article I wrote for a magazine and refreshing the page to see if anyone has commented. I base my success on the number of likes. How unhealthy is that? I don’t take into consideration that other people have lives, other interests… kids with autism to deal with. HELLO!!!! It is an autism related blog for Christ sake and I am not taking into account that people may not have time to read my crap because they are actually dealing with AUTISM? WTF! What the H is wrong with me?
What has me even more upset about this recent discovery about myself is that I am so afraid that this really bad habit of mine is affecting my kids. What pressure am I unconsciously putting on them? If they see me always doing, always striving to be better, too be liked… what kind of message is that sending to them? Is it going to make them hard workers who never give up, or is it going to make them obsessive people- pleasers who are never able to stop and just be happy with what they accomplished for a minute instead of looking ahead to what they need to do next. God I hope not the later! My kids already have so much pressure, anxiety, without their mother f-ing them up! Is there a rehab for result oriented people?
I guess the first step is acknowledging their is a problem. SO there I admit it.
Now being the result oriented person I am I will obviously need to come up with a plan to do something about it. I also will have to resist the urge to see if anyone else actually read this!