Instead of a weekly wrap up of different posts I have read… I am going to do a weekly wrap up on ME!!! I have focused a lot the past few days on Jay and his leaps and falls. I briefly have touched or mentioned myself. This post will be about me. I am actually going to try to go there. So watch out because honestly, I am not sure where THERE is.
So here is what I have been thinking. I spend a great deal of time worrying and questioning myself. There are a lot of things worrying me. Things that I wont get into publicly, but are there nonetheless. A couple of times I have felt overwhelming fear over things I know I really am unable to control. I worry about my children’ s future. My future! I question my parenting skills. I worry that I am not doing something that I should be doing. I question if there is a better way. Bills, money, should I go back to work? Questions, doubt and FEAR! Lots and lots of fear.
Back and forth , forward and back. I go round and round and round and honestly this type of thinking gets me no where real quick.
I am so tired of this and yet I can’t figure out how to stop. I have tried to Let Go Let God but some how I am not doing that right either. I still lay awake at night replaying past situations and imaging future ones.Obviously I am not letting Go.
I wouldn’t say I am depressed, I am just a bit anxious and TIRED! No wonder my kids are tense. And you see… that right there, that makes me feel worse and adds guilt to it all. I feel guilty because I know I am lucky and I shouldn’t feel the way I do.
But then I get mad because you know what… it is okay to feel bad sometimes, right? Why do I do that? Why do I not allow myself to feel however the hell I need or want to feel?
And right now I feel TIRED! I am tired of feeling guilty, angry and all the other negative things.
I envy people who have a strong religious belief. Those of you who truly can turn over your worries and feel a sense of calm knowing that G-d is there and he is leading your life. I want that, really I do. Believe me, I would gladly let the big guy take the driver’s seat. But some how I know that even if I did, I would be sitting there next to him questioning his sense of direction. “You turned Left God when we were supposed to turn right. You missed a stop sign God. God, hurry up we are late! ”
My husband says it is not religion I lack, it is Positive Mental Attitude. PMA… a simple belief that everything will be okay. Seeing the glass as half full instead of half empty, that type of thing. But how do you get it? How do you just stop years and years of negative thinking and just believe that everything will turn out okay? How do you wipe out all your beliefs that in order to be successful you must DO lots and lots of DOING and not just BE?
These are the questions among others that have had me awake at night lately.No wonder I am tired.
So there you have it. An honest look at how I have been feeling lately. Mixed up, sad, angry about being angry, tired of being tired and a little alienated perhaps. That about sums it up.
No it is not all gloom and doom. I still can see the good and appreciate it. I just wish I could spend more time living in the moment instead of worrying about the next one.The problem is I can’t seem to figure out how to really do that.
And I just wish I didn’t feel so damn tired! I am talking newborn baby type of tired. Ugghhhh!
Am I the only one that feels this way? Can any of you relate? Have any of you been there or should I say HERE, and some how have turned it around? Would love to hear from you?