I sit at the computer and try to block out the commotion upstairs. She yells at him to move away from the TV. He doesn’t hear for he is lost in his own world. She yells louder. She is tired and her patience are worn thin… I know this because I feel the same way.
He steps away from the TV but continues to stand in front of her. She yells again. In an attempt to get her to stop he swats at her. She has started to get up at the same time so his hand lands flatly on her cheek. Now they both are in tears.
On my way up the stairs I trip over the dog who is whining from all the noise. Upon seeing me neither one of them ask if I am okay… no they both start in with the accusations and blaming. I say nothing, just march over to the TV and turn it off. That got their attention. I announce that it is NOW time for bed.
He becomes hysterical, yelling at his sister that it is all her fault. He runs into his room, slamming the door. Even though he is upset he still does what he is told. He is in his bathroom putting toothpaste on his tooth-brush. He is getting ready for bed. The sight of this melts my heart. I ache when he aches and I know he is aching. He confirms this by telling me through his tears, “I might as well go live on a mountain by myself because no one here understands me!”
I put her to bed first … he needs time to cool down. She tells me she is sad. She is sad because she feels that I always take his side. I try to reassure her that she is wrong, but deep down I fear she is right.
I sit on his bed and calmly try to talk to him. He tells me how everything is different and he doesn’t like that. We were supposed to have had swim lessons and then they got canceled because of the rain. He wanted Sprite and I bought the generic store brand. These little things are HUGE to him. I so desperately want to be able to grab my boy and hug him and tell him I understand but I am tired and honestly I don’t understand. He knows this too and he apologizes to me. TO ME! That makes me feel even worse, for it is me who should be saying I am sorry!
I am sorry that it has to be so hard for you my son. I am sorry that I cannot kiss this boo boo and make it go away. I am sorry that I just don’t have anything left to give you or your sister today.
Today… Today Autism has won. BUT like I tell him … the past is the past and tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will have my game face on Autism so watch out!