I keep telling myself I am going to start writing a book. The reason I started my blog was to give me practice, to give me some followers, to help me find my voice. Yet lately I have spent so much time trying to think up good posts that I have not written anything. No book has been started. No ideas written on paper… nothing. And today’s post on my blog was just not good. Really… some dribble about bloggers block. Yes it had some cute Jayisims (I like that term… I will have to remember that one) but basically it was a waste of time. Is it possible that after 2 months I am all washed up? Do I really have it in me to write? So many questions, so few answers.
And to add to my confusion I am feeling so much jealousy. A good friend of mine started a blog a little after I did. She said I inspired her to do so. This is the same friend that I had to practically beg to join FB so we could stay in touch. But after reading my blog she went ahead and started her own. Her blog is completely different than mine. Hers is about all her wonderful crafts and they really are wonderful. She has such talent. She makes masterpieces out of discarded plastic water bottles and pieces of left over fabric. I am not kidding… she can do this. She is Martha Stewart on a budget. And people are realizing this and they are following her. I mean really really following her. I am talking like over 2,000 views a day. I am so happy for her but I am also so jealous. I am embarrassed to say this too. I feel like a horrible friend and a bad person, but none the less the green-eyed monster has gotten her nasty claws on me. What does this say about me as a person? Am I really this shallow and petty? Am I really only doing this blog for applause, for the recognition for the that a girls? I say I write for myself and that if I can help just one person, then I am doing my job… but do I really mean it? I think I do? Deep down I know I do… but today, today I am feeling defeated and basically like a reject.
I already did a post on pity parties so I certainly don’t want to go there now. The response to that post was amazing too. Here I was complaining about searching for lice and having to throw a pretend funeral for my kid’s pretend fish, while others were going through divorce, separation from abusive husbands and just trying to make it through another day living with autism. Once again it makes me feel shallow and petty. I feel this way often honestly. Every time I have a good day and read how bad another bloggy mom’s day with their autistic child went… I feel bad. Some days I feel as if I have no right to complain to share my experiences because in the big picture of things… perhaps they are really not that bad. Then there are other days that are bad, and I read a so-called regular mom’s post on FB and it makes me mad. If only they spent one day in my shoes. Better yet… if I could for just one day not be an autism mom and just get to be a regular mom.
And so this brings me back to my original rant, my original question of whether or not I should still be writing this blog, of whether or not I should even still consider writing a book one day. You see if there is anything I have learned so far from doing this, it is that no two stories are the same. My blog does show what it is like to spend a day in my shoes, and the other blogs I read… well they tell their stories too. I certainly am not going to make oodles of money doing this blog thing and it will take me several weeks to get 2,000 views… but that is okay. Are people reading my blog… some! Should I write a book one day… maybe! Should I keep doing what I am doing… YES! I will keep doing it because if nothing else this blogging, this writing, has helped me find my voice. I may not always like the way it sounds… but still it is my voice.