Experts will tell you that without trust, you cannot have any healthy relationships. What they don’t tell you is how to trust. How do you give up control and just believe that everything is going to turn out okay? With everything happening in the world right now, how do you trust? If you are waiting for me to answer that question, well sorry to disappoint you, but you wont find it in this post. In fact you won’t find it any post… believe me I have spent the last 52 hours looking for it… and nothing.
A few things have happened over the past few days that have gotten me thinking about trust. Well actually maybe it is not so much thinking about trust, but questioning my lack of trust. No… my husband is not cheating on me, I have not been robbed or anything like that. I am talking about learning to trust myself. I decided to go ahead and explore this in this post, because my feeling is that I am not the only one out there who may have this problem.
I feel the need to make it clear that I am not depressed, feeling angry or even upset. I am not going through a midlife crisis or feel like I need to change something dramatically about my life. I have no need to write a bucket list or to take off on some trip to see all the Great Wonders of the World. Although I am sure that would make for some much more interesting reading than what I am doing now. Contrary to what it may sound like lately… I am actually happy with my life. I have a wonderful supportive husband, whom I must admit I wish was around more, but when he is… he is attentive and loving. My children are relatively healthy and have adapted to our move and seem quite happy. I have made new friends here and have been fortunate to maintain my existing friendships as well. I am closer to my family now (emotionally not logistically) then I have ever been in the past. Yet, even with all this, I have had this nagging feeling that something is missing. I am Happy but feel like I can be happier. I feel like there is a purpose for me, and I am not seeing it. But you all know that already, I mean this is why I started this blog… to search for my passion and to explore this concept of being happier. And yes… this blog is about putting out there what it is like to have a child who has Aspergers too. And I know I am hitting some nerves in you readers because your comments have been wonderful. I have gotten emails and people stopping me to tell me how courageous they think I am laying it all out there and how much they enjoy reading. But even with all that… I still question what I am doing. I lack a sense of trust that this is the right thing for me to be doing.
I am not even sure if this will make sense to any of you reading this, but this is me, and well I told myself I was going to be honest… so here it is. It has taken me 3 days, several conversations with my husband and a very deep conversation with my sister to even come close to be able to put into words what I have been feeling. I feel like I am on the verge of something big and that I have a choice… I can do what I have always done in the past and run backwards… Or I can trust in myself and step forward into the unknown. (Ahhh… that trust thing again.) I know in my head that I need to step forward and that I can deal with whatever it is that comes next, be it good or bad… but I am stuck. So I have created some incredible distractions and excuses for myself. I say I can’t move forward because well… I have to deal with Jay and his problems, or Grace and hers. I give myself project after project to fill up my time so that there is no time to think. I make excuses… “We don’t have money, I’m a mom… I don’t have time to think about me! I’ll get to it after my house is clean.” etc. etc. etc. (My husband says he is going to make a shirt up for me that says “No Excuses Sharon”) But the truth is… I am scared. I ‘m a scared because well… I don’t trust myself.
Trusting means having to let go control and we all know that if Sharon doesn’t have control… Sharon is not happy. Everything I do is about control. Most of the problems I have with others, especially my children, are because of my desire for control. I know this. I know that Control, Insecurity and of course TRUST are my demons I must face. (Oh if you have not read my sisters post about Facing Demons… you must. It is great. Go to her blog: http://www.sciencespotlight.com/blog/2011/03/facing-your-demons/)
I guess knowing is half the battle. Now I just have to figure out what to do with that knowledge. I am realizing that no book I read (and I have read many in the past few months… all really good ones… but they don’t give me the simple answer I am searching for) is going to fix this. I guess it will take some more soul-searching and more importantly… TRUSTING MYSELF. And I will get there… just not today. Today I have put the “No Excuses Sharon” shirt back in the drawer and will go grocery shopping instead. And that is okay. Baby steps are better than no steps at all.